The Diary of the Watcher in the Water
by Architeuthis
Summary: The Watcher has his/her/its say....
1. Default Chapter

Diary of the Watcher in the Water  
by Architeuthis  
  
Second Age, Year 1100 bThe Saga Begins/b  
  
Number of critters eaten: 0  
  
Some jerk flushed me down the toilet today. I'd hatched in the Sea of Nurnen a few weeks ago and was caught by a fisher-orc who brought me to some place called Barad-Dur as a present to some Dark Creepy Guy. The DCG then told another orc to look after me and feed me and so forth, as he didn't have much time for me. He was too busy working on some stupid magic rings that turn you invisible and corrupt your soul, as well as trying to take over the whole world. In any case, my so-called keeper didn't really want the job--so he flushed me down the toilet. I'm sort of curious as to how he explained my disappearance to the Dark Creepy Guy--but, hey, that ain't really my problem.  
  
  
Second Age, Year ? bThe Trans Middle-Earth Pipeline/b  
  
Number of critters eaten: lost count  
  
My current location is and has been somewhere in Trans Middle-Earth Pipeline--a HUGE sewer system built by the Dark Creepy Guy's predescessor sometime in the First Age. For some damn reason, it extends throughout much of the Misty Mountains. Why the DCG's boss wanted it there is beyond me. It's dark and smelly. (What did you expect? It's a sewer after, all.) But, on the upside, there's plenty to eat--at least if you're not a fussy eater. I'm not. If it's alive, or used to be alive, and I can get my tentacles around it--well, down the hatch!  
  
Another good thing is that there's room to grow. I was only a few inches long when I got flushed, and now I'm around four or five feet long, counting my tentacles.  
  
  
Second Age, Year 1600 bHome Sweet Home/b  
  
Number of critters eaten today: 5 (so far)  
  
Well, it's about time! I'd been wondering if this stupid pipeline ended somewhere. Well, it does; it ends in a big lake near the mouth of an even bigger cavern. The lake is inhabited by all kinds of tasty fish, and the cavern is inhabited by dwarves, which are just as good to eat. They're actually a bit tough, but they still have a nice flavor. Oh, yeah, one of them told me what year it was right before I killed him. I'd lost all track of time while I was in that stupid sewer.  
  
  
Second Age, Year 1710 bHello, Neighbor!/b  
  
Number of dwarves eaten today: 10, number of fish eaten today: 17   
  
A new guy moved in today. He's this big creature of smoke and flame and he carries a whip. He said he was something called a Balrog. I'm not sure how he got in here, as he is WAY too big to have come in through the Pipeline. I'm not sure I'd fit in there myself anymore; I'm now around 12 feet long, counting my tentacles. I'm guessing Mr. Balrog is here for the food, too--those dwarves are delicious. And the fish ain't bad, either.   
  
  
Second Age, 1763 bBye, Neighbor...:(/b  
  
Number of dwarves eaten today: 12, number of fish eaten today: 30  
  
I haven't seen that damn Balrog in ages. I didn't think he'd come in the lake, as he doesn't look like something that would be any good at swimming. But still, I'd thought he'd at least visit from time to time. Well, according to one of my meals, the Balrog has moved way, way, down to the bottom of the cavern. I'd like to know what's down there that's so fascinating. I mean there's plenty of food up here...  
  
  
Second Age, 2505 bBlast From the Past/b  
  
Number of dwarves eaten today: 7, number of fish eaten today: 42  
  
A guy working for my old owner, the Dark Creepy Guy, stopped by today. He said he was called--get this--the "Mouth of Sauron". Can you say "lame"? Anyway, he came to tell the dwarves that Sauron the DCG wanted their help against his enemies in recompense for some magic rings he'd given them way back when. The dwarves basically told this guy to bugger off: they weren't going to get involved in somebody else's war. As for the rings, they didn't use them much, and besides, dragons had eaten four of the things. Why ANYBODY would want to eat jewelry is beyond me.  
  
Dwarves, unfortunately, aren't dumb. They've wised up to my presence, and are getting harder to catch. Hence, I'm eating more fish. I'm now around 16 feet long, counting the tentacles.  
  
I made a grab for the Mouth of Sauron as he was leaving, largely because I've never sampled Man or horse before, but he cast some crazy spell that set my tentacles on fire. OUCH! Memo to self: do NOT try to eat a sorcerer again.  
  
  
Second Age, 3412 bWar Is Hell/b  
  
Number of dwarves eaten today: 1, number of fish eaten today: 50.  
  
The dwarves went off to war after all, only they're not helping the DCG like he asked them to. Instead, they're helping his enemies. This means a SERIOUS food shortage for moi. The only dwarf I ate today was this blind old fart with stringy flesh who tasted like he was around 600 years old. Ick. The younger (and better-tasting) dwarves are all off fighting. I know from some of my earlier meals that the dwarves have been making money hand over fist from the war, since they found this metal called mithril that can be made into really excellent armor. Between that and their weapons, these guys are the arms dealers of Middle-Earth. 


	2. Diary of the Watcher in the Water, Part ...

Diary of the Watcher in the Water, Part 2  
by Architeuthis  
  
  
Third Age, Year 1981 Dumb Dwarves  
  
Number of fish eaten today: 60  
  
The past few centuries have been total snoozeville, ever since the Dark Creepy Guy got his head handed to him during the war at the end of the last Age. (Philosophical question here: Exactly WHO decides when one age begins and another ends, and HOW do they make that decision?)  
  
More and more dwarves moved in, building an incredible underground pad for themselves that they called Khazad-dum. (So I sometimes like to talk to my food. You got a problem with that?) They also set up more mines and more forges, as they were seriously going to town with this mithril stuff they'd found.  
  
Trouble was, they overdid it. While a bunch of them were digging out a new tunnel that would lead to a new mine, they went and disturbed the Balrog. Turns out he'd been spending most of the past few millenia catching up on his beauty sleep, and when the dwarves disturbed him, he woke up UGLY.  
  
How ugly?  
  
Ugly enough that he killed a bunch of them, including two of their kings and chased the rest out. So it's back to an all-fish diet for yours truly.  
  
  
Third Age, Year 2480 Nouvelle Cuisine  
  
Number of orcs eaten today: 15 Number of fish eaten today: 55  
  
Some new guys moved in recently. They're called orcs and they also apparently like underground mines. They're bigger than dwarves and have black blood, which gives their meat a very interesting flavor. They're also apparently dumber than dwarves, which means they're easier to catch. Good. As I'm now about 25 feet long, I need all the protein I can get.  
  
  
Third Age, Year 2793 Major Turf Battle  
  
Number of orcs eaten today: 20 Number of dwarves eaten today: 5  
  
The dwarves are back, and are they PISSED. They've been trying to move back in since 2790, when the orcs offed one of their kings, King Throwrug or something like that. Well, the orcs don't exactly want to move out on the dwarves' say-so, so they've been fighting. Every now and then, somebody takes the fight to my lake, which is GREAT for me.  
  
I've been expecting the Balrog to turn up, but he hasn't so far. How anybody can sleep through a battle is beyond me. His bedroom must be REALLY down deep.  
  
  
Third Age, Year 2994 Major Turf Battle, Part II  
  
Number of orcs eaten today: 25 Number of dwarves eaten today: 3  
  
Damn, those dwarves can't take no for an answer! After getting their asses kicked about two centuries ago, they came back AGAIN. Of course, the usual happened: they got their heads handed to them again, and their new king, Bowling or something, bit the big one. As ususal.  
  
I am now roughly 30 feet long, counting my tentacles.  
  
  
Third Age, Year 3018 Nine Noisy Nuisances  
  
Number of orcs eaten today: 27 Number of fish eaten today: 20  
  
Well, what do you know? The Dark Creepy Guy hadn't forgotten me, his old pet, after all. He sent a bunch of guys all in black to talk to me-- or rather to screech at me. They're something called Nazgul, and they all have one-track minds: all they wanted to do was ask me if I'd seen some ring or a guy named Baggins. They then asked if I would keep an eye out for them. I asked them if I could eat this Baggins. They said no, the DCG wanted him alive. I was however, welcome to eat anybody who was stupid enough to be with him. And I DEFINITELY was not supposed to eat the Ring or otherwise lose it. (Like I'd eat jewelry in the first place.... How dumb did these guys think I was, anyway?)  
  
Not that I mind being told to look out for possible food, but do the Nazgul have ANY idea that their voices CARRY? I bet even the Balrog could hear them!  
  
  
Third Age, Year 3018 Nine More Nuisances  
  
Number of orcs eaten today: 24 Number of fish eaten today: 15  
  
This is the LAST time I get involved in somebody else's fight. I don't care how valuable that damn Ring is, NO piece of jewelry is worth all this trouble!  
  
Like those screeching wraiths said, a little guy called Baggins turned up with about seven or eight other guys, and he had the DCG's Ring on a chain around his neck. I grabbed for him, just like I'd been asked to do. BIG mistake, because his buddies all went ballistic. This tall old guy with a long greasy beard and hair to match set me on fire in a few places. (What is it with sorcerers and fire, anyway? Are they all pyromaniacs or something?) At the same time, this yellow-haired dude shot me full of arrows, while a bunch of his pals decided to remove some of my tentacles with their swords and an ax.  
  
I finally decide that I do NOT need the grief and let go of Baggins and dive to the bottom of my lake. If the DCG wants that stupid Ring so badly, he can get it himself. 


End file.
